Connections
Today the theme emerging is about connections. I am in the midst of severing one of the most significant a person can have, that of a spouse.
My work has been in reestablishing my independence, reclaiming it, though really I had it all along. But it’s the bit about conducting one’s life with someone else in mind that trips me up. I always had J in mind, even when we spent time apart, which was often. So now, as I wander through grocery store aisles and DVD shelves at the library, who do I consider?
I feel a little lost. Who do I take care of now? (Not that I did such a hot job of taking care, but at times I did, when it was welcome.)
As I’m teaching so much this summer I remember that I can take care of my students. I can pass on to them my love and passion for dance. I can instill in them ideas about bravery and daring and musicality. But then I have to let it go and not caretake.
As dancers we are like warriors. We fight our worst enemy every day, ourselves. And so in this sense I take care of myself. I try to be gentle with my aging body and my youthful heart. As I carve enormous shapes into space, I aim not to pull apart but to hang together, like a mobile. With each connection my body makes it silently remembers all the times it connected before. The patterning began aeons ago, or so thirty years of dancing seems.
Connections. Within and without. Inside my own self then carried and shared out into the world. It is not lost on me, this magnificent opportunity, while I have only myself to consider, to widely connect. Link. Bond. Life to life and moment to moment. It will be through these sincere efforts that I will rediscover, reconsider myself. And so I give myself permission to go ahead, to not be afraid, to open and to receive. To give and then let go of the result. This is the hardest, and I must give it to myself: the gift of unconditional outcome.
My work has been in reestablishing my independence, reclaiming it, though really I had it all along. But it’s the bit about conducting one’s life with someone else in mind that trips me up. I always had J in mind, even when we spent time apart, which was often. So now, as I wander through grocery store aisles and DVD shelves at the library, who do I consider?
I feel a little lost. Who do I take care of now? (Not that I did such a hot job of taking care, but at times I did, when it was welcome.)
As I’m teaching so much this summer I remember that I can take care of my students. I can pass on to them my love and passion for dance. I can instill in them ideas about bravery and daring and musicality. But then I have to let it go and not caretake.
As dancers we are like warriors. We fight our worst enemy every day, ourselves. And so in this sense I take care of myself. I try to be gentle with my aging body and my youthful heart. As I carve enormous shapes into space, I aim not to pull apart but to hang together, like a mobile. With each connection my body makes it silently remembers all the times it connected before. The patterning began aeons ago, or so thirty years of dancing seems.
Connections. Within and without. Inside my own self then carried and shared out into the world. It is not lost on me, this magnificent opportunity, while I have only myself to consider, to widely connect. Link. Bond. Life to life and moment to moment. It will be through these sincere efforts that I will rediscover, reconsider myself. And so I give myself permission to go ahead, to not be afraid, to open and to receive. To give and then let go of the result. This is the hardest, and I must give it to myself: the gift of unconditional outcome.
posted by barefootblogger | 12:11 PM
2 Comments:
Gotta tell you my heart broke a little when you wrote about wandering grocery aisles and DVD shelves. It's been a year, my divorce is hammering toward being final, and sometimes that still happens. Who do I consider, indeed?
But your outlook, your searching and finding of connections is, to those of us in the cheap seats, inspiring. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
-Rik
I have seen you perform before. I witnessed your choreography last fall at the Southern. I am aware of how you command attention when on the floor and how beautiful you move.
I am also very aware of how you are just as captivating and beautiful off the floor. I was honored to watch The Rats In The Walls with you tonight. I had a difficult time concentrating on the performer with you looking so nice. I am sure this performance did not move you enough to warrant a blog entry, but I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on it and what other shows you will drop in on!
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